GAME DAY REPORT: UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS/OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
Missing football season for the second year is absolutely demoralizing. I can’t tell if my feeble attempts at living vicariously though game day accounts help the situation or actually bring me down another notch. It’s like a car wreck though — I just can’t NOT look away. While I was wasting hours of my life following 30 second updates on espn.com of the game, some boys were experiencing it. This is what they got to say:
University of Texas 25
Ohio State University 22
Here goes ladies:
FRIDAY
2:00- Order my first beer on the plane from Chicago to Columbus. I am not alone. The plane literally runs out of beer. Mutiny crosses my mind, but I figure I’ll save my rage for the game. Sit behind one of the 13 hot girls I saw all weekend. She is wearing a Ted Ginn jersey. She playes OSU highlights on her laptop. I sit back and watch her get hit on by old dudes.
3:20- plane touches down in Columbus. The entire plane (75% in burnt orange) sings the eyes of Texas.
3:25- John and I see the team plane loading onto their bus. A good omen.
3:30- I see a guy I know from my company at the airport. He lives in Columbus. We exchange pleasantries and I remind him we’re kicking Ohio’s ass
3:50- More beers at the airport waiting for our Ferguson coach and a few stragglers.
4-7- see Nates email. driving, checking in, liquor store, dinner.
8:00- John and I take a tour of campus with the Essells. We start by walking down High Street, which according to Randy is where the bars are. We see no bars, I inform Randy I heard there are a bunch of bars downtown. Randy and Shanda are shocked, apparently columbus has changed since their days. Campus is pretty cool-similar to UT- but bigger (in area) and uglier. We are cussed and flicked off 17 times by dudes who are pissed because they can’t find any hot girls.
11:00- take a cab to aforementioned bar. Its packed- full of Texas people. Long lines for beer and pisser. One of those cigarette guys is doing a survey. I enthusiastically tell him I am a smoker. (I am in fact not- unless I’m wasted) I tell him I smoke Kool menthols. I sign my name "Woody Hayes". He does not believe me. He makes me resign it. Asshole. I still get a free lighter
1:00- go home.
9:00- tub is filled with approx. 130 beers. and ice.
9:30- breakfast- meatball sub and beer.
9:45- John’s friend Derick Johnson (thats his real name) decides to go to college gameday by himself early. He returns downtrodden after he is the only Texas fan amongst 400 buckeye fans and every one of them chants "douschbag" upon his arrival
10:30- actually go to college gameday. Its packed. Apparently its on tv or something. can’t see much or hear. one guys says to me "nice cowboy boots". I say "your girlfriend likes em, asshole"
12- go to the varsity club- its like scholtzs but not as cool. eat a sub. it is very good. beer is cold. watch Notre Dame begin to beat Michigan. also watch OU suck ass.
2-5- the drinking intensifies, as does my disdain for Ohio State. Most fans are cool, but a lot of these people are just nasty. They live in the north. its cold and the women are not attractive. Sucks for them.
5:10- I see Captain Morgan. Literally. He really talks like a pirate and his wenches serve rum drinks. We take a picture. ARRRRR!
5:15- fill flask; insert into boot
5:20- Me, John and Scot go to the band skull session with the Essells. Its pretty cool. basically they fill their old basketball arena (kinda like Gregory) and the band marches in blaring the fight song. The team walks through the gym. Jim Tressell gives a rah rah speech. I can respect the pride and spirit. This school is as close as it gets to Texas pride.
6:30- sneak out of skull session for a refill. At this point the tailgate outside our hotel is like walking through Logans on a Sat night. crowded as shit. The crowd gets restless. Men yell. I look up, I see boobies. Girls are flashing from the hotel rooms. I sprint to our room.
6:45- I arrive having missed seeing the boobs up close. But the 12 guys in our room are in a frenzy. We decide to shotgun a beer. I throw beer across the room. We get in a huddle like the basketball team does before the game and sway. We chant "We-e reeaddy"like the rap song. Chance- you know what I’m talking about. chest bumping. jumping on beds. totally out of control.
7:10- fill flask; insert into boot
7:11- walk to stadium.
7:15-7:45- wait in line at the gate like a bunch of fucking cattle. apparently they decided to open 4 gates for 105,000 people.
7:50- in the seats. I can’t really describe this in an email. by far the biggest and loudest staduim I’ve ever been in. Luckily I was in the Texas section right behind the end zone. surrounded in every direction by red and gray (unless you’re from Ohio then its scarlett- looks fucking red to me, just like OU. they’re not crimson- its RED) Band marches in. Dot the i. Team runs out. This is the most electric atmosphere I’ve ever been in.
We are most certainly ready. At this point I totally lose track of time.
we go up 10-0. I feel good. The crowd is relatively subdued.
Ohio State scores a touchdown. Its loud as shit.
AJ Cock intercepts a pass and returns is deep into Texas territory. This is the loudest the stadium got. My ears were still ringing on Tuesday. I begin to worry.
Honestly I still haven’t watched the tape, so a lot of shit runs together. When Sweed caught that pass I ran down the row and punched strangers. then I hugged them.
I still believe Henry Melton scored, damnit. Where was the review?
The sack happened right in front of us. This is as crazy as I’ve seen a football section. Yelling, jumping, hugging, punching, drinking. The best part was watching the Ohio State fans leave early. We stayed for what seemed like 20 minutes past the end yelling and singing.
12:00- leave the stadium. I didn’t hear shit from any Buckeyes. Its probably because of my imposing stature- I am one not to be fucked with.
12:30- drinking beer at a now very empty tailgate.
1:00- Watch highlights on Sportscenter.
1:15- go back to the Varsity club. again, very empty.
1:50- I am hitting on an Ohio State girl. She is wearing a jersey with number 16 on it. I invite her to my room. she respectfully declines.
2:30- leave the bar and walk 2 blocks back to the hotel. This takes half and hour. I buy a pita. I talk shit in the David "friendly kind of way"
3:04- make out with Gretchen in a state of drunken euphoria that I’ll never forget.
This email just took me 40 minutes. Enjoy, assholes.
See ya in Austin for the Rice game! HOOK EM HORNS!!!
Alright so here’s my continuation:
After reading Dave’s reply I have to respond in depth.
Saturday morning: We have each already bought 25 plus beers a piece. That bring us to around 150 beers. Plus 2 to 2-1/2 liters of Jim Beam ( might I say, strong to quite strong). We wake up early. On our own. It’s like God himself was saying "You bastards, don’t sleep past 8:00, get up and support your drinking habits." We mix drinks, drink beers, etc. I myself had a 24oz bottle of Pilsner Urquell. I figure, WTF? I make money, I’m driving a company car. It’ll probably get turned over in a riot. So why not enjoy the day starting beer at 8:51AM.
In fact, this reminds me, one of the guys in our room said in reply to the 8:51AM boozing, "Well, it’s five o’clock somewhere." I reply, "Who gives a damn, it’s 8:51AM and I’m not apologizing for shit."
We go to Gameday. It’s full of red and gray. We are wearing orange. As Dave said, we hear alot of "Fuck you’s" and what not. I will say this, if you read Hornfans, you’ll read about people throwning beer bottles and stuff, we never ran into it that bad. OSU fans are definitely a bunch of fucking assholes, but it was more verbal than physical, which I embrace after we just robbed them of National Title hopes. You know what, I’ve had a few beers, and I say fuck that, we didn’t rob them of shit, we should have won that game by 21 fucking points. They think we robbed it because we came down the field and scored a motherfucking touchdown, something they couldn’t do even after giving them the ball on the 40 yard line every f’ing time.
By the way, thanks Clint for assaulting the pizza guy. He deserved it.
So the game begins after a healthy wait in a crowd to enter the stadium. My parents sat in the alumni section and said when the band came out and was playing to the crowd, they couldn’t hear the band. That, friends, is loud. It’s one of those indescribable moments. It was just that loud. It made us all thirsty and nervous. Thank God for Dave’s spicey. Which his friend Scott will tell you made him "sooo drunk."
After going up 10-0 I felt pretty good. As loud as the crowd was at the beginning, it was that quiet after the first quarter. Then we decided to piss it away with bad field position.
Much props to the guy beside me (Texas fan), he just kept saying "This special teams unit is not special." Couldn’t have said it better myself.
1:00 minute to halftime. We get the ball and decide to be a bunch of pussies and only get 3 points out of it.
Halftime: blah blah blah, I know their band is great, they really are, but I’ll take our skeleton band doing defense cadences all game long over our fringed band doing a lame ass half time show. In fact, I propose our band just plays during the game and then marches out afterwards. They made our presence known well.
When the 4th quarter rolled around, people their hands in the air with their fingers up saying that it was fourth quarter. Apparently, that’s not just a Texas thing, everybody does that lame ass fourth quarter/rap song bullshit.
Then the heat poured on. We held them to nothing. The crowd grew restless and we got the ball back. I was pretty fucking nervous the whole game and this was the peak. I had hope, but Greg Davis and Mack Brown have never really gotten the blood flowing. But Vince made it happen. 5:00 minutes and driving down the field, I knew we could make it happen. So did the OSU fans who SHUT THE FUCK UP! We go down, we score. I was more nervous about the extra point than the damn touchdown. 23-22 Texas. We kick the ball off. They review who got it. They get it. They fumble. I tear up. We get the F’ING safety!!! That was the best part. Everybody in our section with their hands up over the head giving the safety signal "aka the big vagina signal."
Nervous Nate keeps yelling at people, the game’s not over, the clock still has 23 seconds. People continue to wave their keys.
When we fell on the onsides kick, I finally took a deep breath. We were walking away from that stadium, that stadium full of the biggest assholes I’ve ever come across in football, as victors. It’s still hard to soak in. Unbelievable. Truly a great game and a great experience.
Kind of like Arkansas, I’d love to play them next year, win, and then never play them again!